TW: Mild gore (no blood buuut), nail injuries, general squirmy squeemish things.
I cut my nail bed in the shower yesterday while I was shaving. It sucked. A lot.
Actually, y’know what? I’m gonna toot my own horn for a minute ‘cause I NEVER toot my own horn and I’ve been doing pretty fucking awesome lately.
LONG POST WARNING.
Tom had his surgery which is probably the most stressful thing that’s ever happened to me, and I’ve stopped feeling selfish saying something like that. At one point I was upset because I’d just been stressed and tired and not feeling like me lately and I said to him, “I feel bad crying because you didn’t ask me to help you and it’s not like I was forced into it or anything so I shouldn’t cry around you all the time,” and he just said, “Babe, it was kind of a given. You’re my girlfriend. You’re allowed to cry in front of me, no matter what.”
And that just changed my attitude about the whole thing. Because I knew that he understood why it’s been stressful for me and he was okay that I was stressed out, not resentful or anything. Which I knew he wouldn’t be but my mind is the master of WHAT IFs.
Anyway, getting back on the subject. Basically since his surgery I’ve just been depressed and upset and tired and not at all feeling like myself. It happens with me now and then where I’ll just have long blocks of time where I’m just depressed and can’t get myself out of it, and I know it’s ridiculous to be depressed, but I can’t just make myself happy. And since starting my relationship with Tom, that really hadn’t happened at all. But the surgery and the stress just kind of did it for me.
And I finally told him. I’d been telling him I was stressed, but I finally told him I was just in a depressed state and it was really hard for me to get myself out of it. That one moment I’d be happy, and the next something would tip me off the edge and I wouldn’t be able to stop crying.
And I went to his house and I could hardly stop crying, or smile, or anything, but he wasn’t annoyed or upset. We played video games and watched Game of Thrones and we went to sleep and even though he usually ends up stopping spooning with me before we sleep because his shoulder starts hurting, he didn’t move at least until I fell asleep.
And it’s such an amazing feeling when you’re with someone who can see the sides of you that you don’t like and still be in love with you.
I’ve opened up to him more - even more, I should say, because I was pretty open to begin with. And it’s becoming easier to be open with him.
And I’ve gotten back into working out. A lot. I love what I’ve been doing, and the healthy stuff I’ve been eating. I lost two pounds last week, and I haven’t stepped on the scale this week, but even if I didn’t lose more I’d be totally okay with that, because I feel so damn good.
I feel confident, and sexy, and powerful, and like everything’s just good. And sometimes it scares me because I feel like something could go wrong. And sometimes I end up worrying myself over stupid things or panicking or crying over nothing but it’s okay because that’s just how I am.
And I’m just fucking happy with myself lately. It’s taken me a while to get to this point, but I am. I’m happy. Really happy. With myself. It’s a shock and a half.
Sometimes you just need to dedicate something to yourself, and that’s what I’m doing with this, because I fucking deserve it.